the past few months have been hard…
how i coped & what i've learned (driving licence, new beginnings, anxiety)
The past few months, during which I have written a total amount of 0 letters in here, have been hard. I’ve been trying to get my driving licence. Went back home in June, I had been studying the theory since last December, I started practical lessons, passed the theory exam, I went to Morocco and came back with a bug in my stomach, my boyfriend came to visit and we did a lil roadtrip. Then we kinda had the opportunity for an apartment, something I had wanted since the moment I came to live in Germany. Timing was awful but couldn’t complain, because, well, finally.
In August, he came back, and we spent two weeks there, then we went back to Germany for the rest of August, two weeks and a half looking for couches and working, basically. Couldn’t do more driving lessons for the month. I went back home in September, thinking I’d have my licence by October, if not before. Then I was given an exam date, the 18th. Of October. “Okay, I can do it. Just a little bit more time.”
I lived through September going to driving lessons & applying to jobs, doing test tasks and then receiving a “no” in return, trying to relaunch my web design work on the side, because, well, that’s the best way I know to make a living. In October, a new priority arose as I started the new uni semester.
Objectively, it’s not that hard, it’s just life. It was my anxiety around driving, my boyfriend moving out to the apartment alone, waiting for me, me waiting for myself, the fear about it all (“What if everything goes to shit?“ “What if I’m not capable?”) that’s what made it hard.
The 18th of October came around. A very decisive day. My sister made the whole experience much better by taking me to the exam area, I would’ve been eaten by anxiety had I went by bus or train. This way I could stay focused. I wasn’t too nervous, I had practised enough, I had enough confidence I could pass. But I didn’t. I failed. I had mentally prepared for it, but still, I was devastated. I couldn’t see an end. “What if I fail again next time?” It was almost November, and back in June I would’ve never thought I’d still wouldn’t have it in November.
Anyway, I’m sitting on the table in our apartment now, writing this, still without the piece of plastic that says I’m allowed to drive. I took the decision to pause and continue in spring-summer next year. The decision didn’t make me happy, but it was the right one, for me, for my mental health, and because it was just not the right time any more.
I still get that feeling in my chest when I think about driving, which I still have to work on, but I now have what I’d been waiting for. Maybe I “cheated”, but no one makes the rules, and I am where I need to be right now.
How I coped & things I learnt
The only way out is through
Since the beginning of these months, I had in my mind that the way out of all that, was going through it. And while I didn’t go “through” until the end, just yet, these months proved it to me. And they proved to me that I was actually capable of going through it, even if it was hard.
Sport was my way to stay sane
I’ve always liked doing sport. Before that I enjoyed and did sport for its benefits, to be stronger, faster, to have fun, have more energy, look better, etc. During these months, sport has been more than that. I’ve done more sport these months than in the spring, just because it was a way to feel better, to disconnect, and to escape.
The evening before my driving exam, I begged my sister to go running with me (I used to NEVER enjoy running). When we arrived back home from running 20 min, my dad asked if I wanted to go play hockey, and I went too. Much better than biting my nails while sitting in bed. That night I did 1h and 30 min of exercise. I exhausted myself to boost happiness hormones, and so that I’d be tired enough to sleep that night.
I’m not sure if there’s a lesson there, but just an empirical certainty that exercise is healing.
Life has meaning because it’s hard
My life the past years in Germany had been relatively comfortable compared to the past. With that, I don’t mean that everything has been easy, but I’ve pretty much stayed in my comfort zone most of the time, no big challenges. But I remember telling my boyfriend, back in August, that even though I was going through something difficult, I was living a lot, I was getting out of my comfort zone, and that meant something.
Looking back, I’m glad I went through it. I complained a lot though, I pitied myself, I felt so unlucky. Because it was not the right time, because I didn’t feel capable, and because I felt very small and powerless. But doing it anyway, with all the insecurities, was needed.
I’m not completely done, I still have to go back and finish what I started, but now I see, that however events happened, they couldn’t have happened any other way. And the fact that it was hard made it worth it and serves to prove myself that I am, indeed, capable.
Now comes a time with new challenges, but I don’t want to forget to look back and be grateful and proud of where I am, because it’s where I wanted to be for a very long time.
Thank you for reading,
and sorry for not writing for months. I actually didn’t feel like I could, I felt guilty to try because “it’s not what I’m supposed to be doing now”, didn’t realize that no one made that rule.