016. my mind wanted to tell me something, so I listened

a regularly scheduled weekly crisis and taking the opportunity

The other day I had a “crisis”, I did not want to do what I had to do. So many things to do, or rather so many things in my mind. Because it wasn’t about the amount of actual physical time doing stuff, it’s not like I have such a huge amount of things, but how everything was and is occupying my mind, well, too much.

Uni is bringing zero joy, I have zero intrinsic motivation in doing uni projects. But it’s not that they suck (in some cases, they do), it’s that my mind is somewhere else too. I create websites (work), write on here (hobbies) and then have university. My motivation is just somewhere else, it’s occupied.

Putting in more effort is at the same time making something more motivating. Any activity becomes more rewarding when I try my best. Makes sense, right?

To work and study at the same time while maintaining your sanity, you can’t try your best at everything. So that’s what I’ve decided I’d do with uni, I wouldn’t try my best at it. After all, getting it done is usually enough to pass.

But, of course, that’s not motivating. I can put in fewer hours, but I dread those fewer hours much more than I would if I put my soul into it and takes longer.

That, along with the fact that I love everything and I wanna make a job out of everything, got me confused as to what to put the effort into.

I documented my thoughts as they came.

To get through something like this, the most productive thing is to push through it. Try to hide it from your brain, get your mind off it, forget it. But it’s only productive in the shortest of the terms. Because soon after it comes up again.

The other day I listened to what my mind was telling me, it was uncapable of doing anything. If I had somehow pushed through it, I would have ended up more exhausted and burnt out. And the next day, the problem would still be there.

So I took it as a sign to stop and resolve the issue. My mind wanted to tell me something, so I listened.

I got to the conclusion that when you do too many things, or have too many things in your life, you run out of energy. Duhhh.

That day, I craved doing something from my intrinsical motivation but had to do something else, which I dreaded.

All I needed was to do something else that would allow me to use my intrinsical motivation which, at the same time, charged my battery.

The next day I could get the dreaded thing done.

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I reminded myself that having to do things you dread is always going to happen. So I don’t need to idealize a perfect future, but find fulfilment at the moment. I just need to keep doing things that refill the battery for the inevitable things that drain it.

Constantly chasing the impossible perfect future doesn’t let you focus on bringing fulfilment now, which is the only real moment. There is nothing in the future to have happiness depend on.

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Anywho, I’m considering getting back to being a full time student next semester, to enjoy uni more (and finish the degree sooner). Taking more subjects and putting more soul into them.

For now, I made a schedule with little things I love to do for each day of the week.

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